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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.